I help people experience authentic happiness in their relationships
by Jo Hazelhurst-Ntsebeza.
What I learned dating unavailable men
Do you find yourself again and again dating someone who is physically or emotionally unavailable?
We run a feature called #KalavatiMail in our Facebook Community. I often get questions around the experiences of dating someone and the feeling of always waiting.
This was my story.
For most of my single life, I was attracted to and drew towards me men who were emotionally unavailable. Be it they were married, drug addictions, not that into me, or simply unable to be present...
...this was my story.
Where ever I go, I take me with.
I knew it was about me, not about the men I was with. The men concerned may well be unavailable with everyone. But why did I choose them over and over?
I took a stand and intended a different reality for myself in relationships.
And I met the love of my life.
I consciously and radically broke away from this pattern. I attracted a man into my life who was not only available but is immensely committed to being present.
#KalavatiMail I'm with someone who is emotionally unavailable - again
"Morning Jo. My I've realised I attract the same person, just in a different body. I tend to attract men who only just want a no-strings-attached type of relationship. I've never had a proper relationship. The longest relationship I had was with a guy who was all about the sex and we have a child together now. Then I met a guy. I didn't give him the time of day. He didn't give up. Finally after a year we went on a date. I asked what he wants from me. He said he just wants to go with the flow. Nothing serious. That's when I realised there must be something wrong with me to keep attracting such. What can I do about it?" - Anon
Here are the insights I gained with my own personal journey with this.
(I am sure there are plenty other insights that others may be able to share.)
We attract and are attracted to unavailable men (and women) when:
1. Commitment: Deep down we are terrified of commitment, responsibility and showing up everyday. Variants of this can be negative views towards marriage or long lasting relationships. Long lasting anything really. Fear of being accountable. Fear of losing freedom. We are responsibility avoidant.
I did a lot of work on what I perceived commitment means for me, my views on marriage and my fear of being responsible. This is still a challenge for me. I yearned for it but feared it.
2. Something Is Wrong With Me:We don't really want people to know who we are. An internal belief that 'something is wrong with me'. That when people find out they won't really like me. Because I didn't like me. I was obsessed not with my greatness but my ugliness. Every flaw, every weakness, was all I could see in me.
We are not at peace with our humanity. This aspect of us is drawn to narcissism and the psychopath type.
How do you heal your self view? How do you be in love with you?
I started a love affair with myself. The more I live my life truthfully to me, the more I feel good inside. I healed the part of me that NEEDED someone. Sometimes I am still healing her. I shifted how I saw myself.
I stopped putting my partner on a pedestal. From which he could only flaw. (I still goes to that place. But it has a different quality from before. I am more empowered from the inside now.) In other words, be at peace with your flaws. Do not hide them. This is really the add on to above. Deep self acceptance.
Being at peace with who I am. I don't need to be different. Not everything is a flaw.
I like to sleep early and prefer to be in at night. Or that I am super serious most of the time and really chatty. I like singalong music more than brilliant music and I don't understand intellectual art. I don't enjoy documentaries nearly as much as I do the Bachelor.
These are things I thought SHOULD be different you see because I wanted me to be well, not really me, but the people I admired.
4. How We See Men Or Women: We hold a view of men (or women) as uncommitted, uncaring and users. We hold ourselves as the ideal perfect partners. Making the other a demon in our mind.
The work here for me personally was to undo the ways I saw men. Breaking the story and expectations. And to recognise that I am not an ideal partner...
...any more than anyone is. No more, no less than any other person.
I am however the perfect partner for who I am with, as he is for me.
Accepting we are not ideal. We are the perfect imperfect us.
5. We recreate childhood experiences because it is familiar. The unavailable father, mother, teacher, sibling, childhood friend. We end up feeling really uncomfortable any other way. For example. I use to easily fall out of love when really available loving men were very interested in me. I felt it was too much.
6. Healing Doorway: This is also our psyches way of giving a doorway to healing. We attract the wound so we may heal it. This is our work together. To see relationship problems as material we can use for healing. To grow beyond our expectations. Forgiveness. For only from here can our strength and capacity to love grow.
7. Feel Alive:Be completely in love with you and your life.
You yearn for aliveness.
Be your own relationship so there is no wanting. Anything we feel desperate for will evade us. You are what you are looking for. You do not need to find love. You are love. That is your essence. Just get out of your own way.
8. Wait On Sexual Intimacy:Do not be intimate with someone you do not know really well and where there's not a mutual desire for a long-term relationship. Take your time.
Practice taking time out from your relationship. Practise not needing to be called. Practise responses to feeling insecure.
Ask questions and ask more questions. not in the first few days. not all once. Find out what someone you are dating really wants. how they see relationships. How they see the world. How ready are they for something more.
9. Stop Dating. Be Celibate all together for a while to heal you until you notice that you do not notice your type of guy anymore and they do not notice you anymore.
10. Addiction. Lust for happy chemicals causes the chasing syndrome. And setting up the chase releases dopamine. Especially every time you get a response. Any response here will do. The anticipation of it floods you. This is why you become compulsive. No different to a coke addiction. Do you reach for food or booze? Or overwork instead?
You Are Not Your Pain.
You Can Shift The Pattern of Dating Emotionally Unavailable People. You Are Not Your Pain.
"One day You will take my heart completely
and make it more fiery than a dragon.
Your eyelashes will write on my heart the poem
that could never come from the pen of a poet." - Rumi
These words light a fire for anyone who yearns. Perhaps not meant for a lover though but for the highest part of you known as GOD/SOURCE. You are the one you are waiting for. Not just a cliche.
Where do you begin? By building yourself from the inside. Putting in happiness habits into every aspect of your life. Seeking your own LOVE first...
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.. Grab a seat in the FREE 5-DAY LOVE DARE JOURNEY:Learn how to break negative relationship patterns (and create the love you want). It starts October 23rd. You can <<<grab a seat here>>>
After this training you'll have learned how to:
Break free from the cycle of blame, shame and pain
Get over your past relationships especially your ex
All works are copyrighted. You may quote me or use no more than a paragraph with a link to the article on my website. Much love. Jo
Hey ya, share your take away in the comment box below. I'd love to meet ya!
How Can I Help You ?
Any happiness or stress management tips, advice or recommendations on my website, is not to be taken as medical advice. If you're struggling with anxiety, feeling low or an illness, visit a doctor or professional medical practitioner, especially before making changes to your current treatment. I urge you research anything and everything on your own before you make any changes. I'm a life coach and teacher. I'm not a doctor, therapist, nutritionist or personal trainer. I share freely share my experiences, my story, my opinions and research findings. It is my legal obligation to tell you I am not God but simply another human being like you, walking a path of trial and error. Kalavati Cafe, and anyone associated to this website or courses, can not be held responsible or liable for any choices you take.