Hey ya! I'm Jo!

I help people experience authentic
happiness in their relationships

By Jo Hazelhurst-Ntsebeza, 2017

Causes of Loneliness
It's not your shame!

The causes of loneliness are not always obvious. Sometimes we don't even know we are. 

I'd never seen myself as lonely. Growing up it wouldn't have been a word I chose for myself. Perhaps because in my teens, emotional pain was considered by society as a weakness. Even now when I look back I can't remember THAT feeling.

Yet I know now by the choices I made how lonely I must have been in my childhood years.

1. Not feeling important (no sense of status).

I was not popular. Life was black or white. I felt I didn't matter to my teachers and peers

You were either in the IN crowd or something was wrong with you. I took any teasing or NO as a rejection of ME. That it meant something was really wrong with me.

In my teens, I discovered playing tough made me more attractive. I understand now it was my masculine energy that appealed. Masculine energy promotes an APPARENT safety net and the possibility of greater status. This helps our body to release a happy chemical.

Even if it was all in my head, the story made me feel better about me because my body was finally experiencing a good dose of happiness. I was no longer the MUTT of the crowd.

2. Seeking relief in ways that cause further isolation or chemical imbalance. Seeking to fill the void in relationships. 

That loneliness made me do things that hurt me. I went into the beds of grown men when I was only a young teen. I drank too much. I hung out with dangerous people who had stronger masculine energies than everyone else. They're called drug dealers and gangsters. I was unable to form long lasting relationships with guys because I was chasing the wrong thing. I was mistaking bad men for love, safety and security.

3. Not valuing or trusting the connections you have. Not valuing yourself. 

I had such a poor opinion of myself that I did not understand why I had such amazing friendships. The girlfriends in my life were beautiful, cool, glamorous, smart and hip. Everyone wanted to touch them.

It was they who taught me to believe in myself. That I was worth something. I spent many of those younger years shaping myself to be who I thought I needed to be for their love and for the love of the men I thought I needed.

4. Boredom or loneliness? Being unable to sit with the thoughts inside your head. 

I couldn't sit still for a moment. People use to tease me because I was so restless. I couldn't sit still for long. Even in clubs, I was up and down and all around. Classic ADHD. Easily bored I needed outside stimulation to stay 'entertained.' 

When I started meditating I discovered how lonely I was. How my craving for connection was to fill a void of emptiness inside me. The only connection I had was to the insanity of the thoughts inside my head that kept telling me I was ugly, bad, useless - the list is long. 

5. No connection to Source

I had no spiritual connection. The older I got the more disconnected I became from nature, from animals, from children, from beauty, from my own sense of wonderment. Basically I lost all sense of oneness. 

6. Shame

Believing something is wrong with you brings shame. Loneliness brings shame. Only unwanted people are lonely - we think. We don't talk about it. But you are not alone. 

 I discovered the most popular people (who look like everything society says is SUCCESS) are often the loneliest of all. After I began coaching a famous radio host asked for a session with me. She described feelings akin to emotional torture. She didn't trust the people around her to love her for her. She suspected people wanted her only for her fame. There is no place lonelier than in a crowd or in a marriage.

Loneliness is a universal condition.

We all feel it. Some of us more than others.

It drives us to addictions, to act out, to be needy and demanding. It whips out our greatest terrors. We say yes when we want to say no.

We don't do things needed for our dreams because it means being visible. So much pain because of this one thing.

It is nothing to be ashamed of.

It is no joke to say that loneliness can kill. People have died from a broken heart. Even animals have died soon after a mate dies. It is not a feeling experienced by humans alone.

Are there ways to seek it within ourselves instead of only in others?

Connection is our very existence.

Loneliness can be filled with our own awe of SELF and LIFE.

I learned to build myself inwards out. To not seek others to make me, complete me, need me. 

Connection happens for me when I'm:

  • in nature,
  • with animals,
  • during meditation despite the chaos of my mind,
  • in the sacred act of chewing on every bite,
  • breathing the scents of spring, 
  • climbing a mountain,
  • looking up to the night sky,
  • in my creative,
  • experiencing my own growth.

Connection happens when I tell myself beautiful things, when...

....I breathe deep and I feel my the LOVE of my own SOUL.

Do you resonate? Tell us your story.

If you're lonely right now, know you're not alone. You are beautiful and great beyond what your mind can perceive. Who you are has nothing to do with how you experience the world treating you. There is certainly nothing wrong with you.

LOVE, Jo xoxo

FYI: Impact of loneliness at work

General Social Survey of 2016,​ shows over 50% of people are exhausted and burnt out at work. That means half of your team are performing on empty. And studies show there is a link between burn out and loneliness. 

Gallup Organization have studies showing there is a real disengagement as a result.

  • ​37% higher absenteeism, 
  • 49% more accidents, 
  • 16% lower profitability, 
  • and even 65% lower share price as a result. 

Sourced from Harvard Business Review: Burnout at Work Isn’t Just About Exhaustion. It’s Also About Loneliness


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How Can I Help You ?

Any happiness or stress management tips, advice or recommendations on my website, is not to be taken as medical advice. If you're struggling with anxiety, feeling low or an illness, visit a doctor or professional medical practitioner, especially before making changes to your current treatment. I urge you research anything and everything on your own before you make any changes. I'm a life coach and teacher. I'm not a doctor, therapist, nutritionist or personal trainer. I share freely share my experiences, my story, my opinions and research findings. It is my legal obligation to tell you I am not God but simply another human being like you, walking a path of trial and error. Kalavati Cafe, and anyone associated to this website or courses, can not be held responsible or liable for any choices you take. 

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